It's sometimes unreal to think that you can have as much of God as you want. Think about someone that to you seems so close to God and they just seem to be super tight with Him. You can have even more of a relationship with God than that. He has so much of Himself to reveal. So much to Him that so many people don't know. He loves us. No love that you know in a human sense can compare to the love that He loves us with. There's no way to measure it. There's no way to comprehend it. But the more you press into seeking God's face; asking Him questions about Himself, about how much He loves you, what He wants you to do that day, who He wants you to talk to, little things He reveals to you... the more you seek Him and find it out, the more your life will be changed and the more joy you will feel.

For quite sometime I was living in a place where I felt like a film was covering me. I couldn't see through it, I couldn't feel anything but I wanted to get out of it and I knew that outside this "film" would be a better life. My life was transformed from darkness to light when I chose to dive into God and lay down the things He was asking me to lay down at that time. Obedience. I can never stress enough how important obedience is. You will be miserable until you do what He wants you to do. And what He wants you to do is something that will only better yourself! Just do it! It's worth it! Nothing compares to knowing you are walking where He is leading you. God doesn't change His mind. If he wants you to do something, and you don't do it, He's not going to give up, change His mind, and find something else for you to do. He's pretty much not a quitter and He never changes. So unless you want to run around the mountain 3 or 4 times, give in and surrender to the Maker and Creator of all life and make yourself a bond slave to Him.

Be obedient because you love Him, not because it's a chore. Seek His face to know, not because you should. Live a holy life because it's necessary, not because religion tells you to. Remember that He loves you, and nothing in this world, I mean NOTHING.. no drug, no relationship, no high, no amount of money, no NOTHING compares to the presence and the fulfillment of God. Stop searching and look up to Him. He's just waiting for you.. He has so many adventures He wants to take you on.. live life. Not this carnal life, but live life with Him. He will make it worth it!

:D

When God heals you of something the devil will try to make you think you've still "got it." When God sets you free from something the devil will try to make you think you're not free and throw those feelings back at you. The devil is a liar! Seriously, he will try to throw symptoms back on you to make you start doubting what God has done. But those symptoms, thoughts or feelings are all a lie. It isn't truth. For one thing, the devil can't "do" anything to you. He can only make you believe what he is telling you is true. When you believe it, it'll come to pass. Whether it be good or bad.

Right now in my psychology class I am reading about the "Learning" process in psychology. Ivan Pavlov discovered in the 1920's that a certain stimuli causes a reaction. When something is done to you and you react a certain way, then when that something happens again you will automatically react that way because you learned to adapt to that situation or whatever it is. For example, many people may not know that I have suffered from anxiety issues for years. Especially when it comes to the doctor. When I was younger, I was at the doctor and I passed out. They said it was from a blood sugar problem, then another doctor mentioned it was anxiety. So after I was told that I had a sugar problem I constantly watched what I ate, felt I had to eat 30 snacks a day, and I would start feeling like I was going to pass out every time I felt like I was hungry. Then when I was told it was anxiety I would be in certain situations where I would get nervous etc. and I would feel that I was going to have an anxiety attack and pass out. So because I passed out, I associated that fear with every doctor visit. I had trained my mind to think that way and my body to react that way.

How that factors in to a spiritual principal I will tell you. It's about how we train ourselves to think and what we allow ourselves to believe. It's really simple. Believe the Word. If God says you are healed, then you are healed. So believe it. Don't believe and rely on the symptoms that are telling you otherwise. The devil is a liar and don't forget that. Also remember, like I said before, he can't do anything to you and he can't force you to do something. He can only lie and make you believe it. Simple as that.

So there is a little simple truth for you today :)

It has been nearly a year since I have written anything. That's a pretty long time for someone who finds her healing in writing. The last 2 years and more recently the last 9 months have been a very trying time in my life. Writing is my safe haven and an honest look inside myself. When you feel ugly you avoid all mirrors. I felt ugly inside so I avoided to the mirror into my soul. Writing. All the avoidance and here I am. Back again. I have come out on the other side and my life is a testimony to the goodness and love of God.

I could go on a start talking about all the things I have said in previous blogs, but you can just go read those. It's just an honest time to give God all the glory. For months I was in complete and utter disobedience but I felt that it was near impossible to pull myself back on the path of righteousness. All it took was once decision to be made. The hardest decision to make, as I had tried making it at least 10 times before. But I knew, if I didn't do this now, my life was headed for a black hole and I was about to miss my exit for the road to fulfill my purpose in life! I was living my lfe, but not the way I was intended. The good that came from it was a lesson learned and an opportunity to hopefully save others from falling into the pit that I stumbled into.

When we mosey down a trail we know we shouldn't, we get lost. It's like walking in the woods right at dusk. You decide to go down a trail that looks gorgeous to the eye but you have that warning that it's getting dark and you should stay focused on the path you were on. But you allow yourself to get enticed out of curiosity down this dark path. Before you know it, it is completely dark and you have no idea where you are. It seems impossible to find the path you were originally on because the farther down this enticing path you walk, the darker it has gotten. There is a way to find that path, it just takes awhile, and a little cuts and bruises through the sticks and pricks! That is exactly what it felt like for me. But all along that journey I would get little nudges from God pointing me back to the right direction. I would grab what He gave me and follow a little ways, then I would get scared. I thought, "no, this can't be right.. I will keep trying to find it on my own." That's what takes the longest to find your way back. When you don't trust the hand that leads you; you trust your own hand. If I would have followed Him from the first nudge He gave me, then it wouldn't have taken me 10 times to try and find my way back.

Trusting the Lord can be difficult when you don't know where He's going to take you. But that's why it's called "trust". After going through what I went through I can say, it doesn't matter where He takes you, it's better than anywhere you could take yourself. No matter how difficult what He is asking you to do may seem, it's only difficult to your flesh. Your spirit leaps for joy to do what He asks of you. The hard thing I had to do was to help me. Of course I could only see through my pain at the time and it didn't make any sense. Even when I knew what I needed to do I didn't want to because it was easier for me to disobey and be somewhat content in my flesh, than to obey and walk through the refining fire!

Although this explanation wasn't specific on my decisions or what it was that He asked of me, the principal applies to all of us. Trust God and know that He knows. Haha, that's pretty simple! What's pleasurable for the flesh is painful to the spirit, and what's exciting for the spirit is devastating to the flesh! We have to live by the spirit and mortify the deeds of the flesh! My dad recently told me that to mortify means "to kill with starvation." We have to starve our flesh so it will die and our spirit will rule!

Thankful to God for so many things... I am humbled and in awe of Him.

I am amazed. God never ever ceases to amaze me. He never lets me down. He never gives up on me. Even when I have dropped myself off on the side of the road miles back and called it quits. He is still pushing me along and believing in me. Your heart. It's where it all lies. When God calls you He never forgets. He never quits hoping you will succeed. You are the only one who can stop you. No person and no devil has the power to make you stop. I have heard that a hundred times but it only makes the most sense to me now. For so long I have been walking with my head held low and blaming myself over and over. Taking responsibilty yet not repenting and moving forward.

People would push me and tell me to keep going and not give up. Tell me the voices I hear are enemy whispers and not of mine own heart. I have always had a heart for good and right and justice. Yet I opened the door for wickedness when I accepted hatred. Harboring unforgiveness leads to devils to control and steal areas of your life. I felt hopeless and that my chance was lost. Anger in ways I have never experienced. Out of nowhere I would get such rage and anger. Every little thing would blow my top and I hated it. I was hurting the people I loved. I was sabatoging my life. It simply was falling apart. Everything I knew of my life and had expected up until now had failed. Everything God had promised me, when I would take action towards it, would crumble away into nothing but disappointment. After facing disappointing expectations all your life you tend to get tired. So you don't try anymore. At least that was me. I'm still fighting and struggling, but today I had insight...

I stopped trying. Bottom line. I saw my life that I knew, go on ahead without me and leaving me in the dust, I watched it speed by. People in my life, moved on. Things in my life, no longer existed. I thought I had messed everything up. But really, why? I hadn't done anything wrong to cause me to be cast into a sea of no return. I struggle to understand why my mind had turned against me and why my heart longed to be set free. I finally understood today that it's not me. It never was me. I was listening to lies and voices. They were so strong I believed they were my thoughts. I have been in direct disobedience to the Lord. He has been telling me something to do and I haven't. I am in constant torment and I even started resenting everyone who was succeeding. Friends. People I loved and were close with once, I resented. Why is it fair for them to be doing so great and I am drowning in my own worthlessness? So much hoplessness do I face daily, and it's only because I have chosen to continuously listen to the lies. Therefore it is spreading and affecting every other area of my life it can grasp.

We all face different things. Whatever level we are on, we fight. But we choose. And because of one disappointment I isolated myself completely from my life and the people and things in it where all I had left was my ugly self. I want free. Being bound inside yourself is very unsettling. But I am suffering from two things. Unforgiveness and disobedience. You can't live peacefully with either one, much less both! My pastor always says to forgive.. God loves them. Even when we don't and might have a good reason to strongly hate someone or hold a grudge, all we are doing is hurting ourselves. And I can honestly say first hand that I know it is the truth. And when you know God has told you something, and you on purpose do not do it, you will be miserable until you do. So save yourself time and heartache and take care of some loose ends. I know no one is perfect and that is why I am confidant I can freely share this information with you. It is my hopes that it will find you at a place to give you an extra push, just like it was revealed to me.

We have all experienced a little bit of unforgiveness towards someone in our life. At one point or another. Maybe even some of us have leaned toward the threshholds of hatred. I know for me I have strongly disliked someone before due to something they have done to me or maybe they did nothing at all. But most recently I have allowed severe bitterness and literal hatred come into my heart toward a person. I can't stand to hear their name, to see think about them, or even see their face. My insides churn and my blood pressure starts rising. Maybe some of you can relate. I have noticed that allowing that hatred to enter in my heart has opened doors to other things. Bitterness in general. I started resenting other people for their success. Before you all go into shock just relax. I'm being open to hopefully bring some freedom to you.

I noticed that now more than ever this hatred consumes my life. This person controls me. And they have no idea. I held on to what they did to me and now I am holding onto this person and letting them control my emotions and feelings. When you have something like this that you carry around with you your life is not complete and full. It steals from you. You can't fully enjoy a day.

It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I hated that I hated. That wasn't me. It wasn't who I was. But I justified it by what they did to me. But I was slowing dying on the inside. I was being eaten up with bitterness. I wanted free from it. It came to the day where I was sitting at work listening to music and not thinking about a thing when they popped into my head. I got that overwhelming sense of anxiety and my stomach jumped into my throat. I knew I had to let go and start forgiving in my heart. After all, forgiveness is a heart decision, not just an "I forgive you." So I said, "Lord, bless them," just as Gary Carpenter once told the story of his road to forgiveness. Even as I said it, I knew I didn't mean it but I said, "Lord, I hate this. I can't do this and I don't want this to control me anymore." I heard as clear as ever, "I love them too. They are my child just as much as you are." I felt tears well up inside of me. As much as I was hurt by this person, my God loves them.

So where ever pain finds you right now. Where ever bitterness or hurt finds you. Realize, you have got to let it go. It isn't worth wasting your life. This person is controlling you and they aren't even losing sleep over it at night. God loves them too. Grasp that reality. It might change the way you see them. Where I am now, I know I haven't made it free and clear of hatred, but it's a process. Everytime they pop into my head I'm going to ask the Lord to bless them. Eventually, I will get there and learn to love that person. Maybe you need to forgive yourself for something. It's just the same. Life is too short to waste on hate.

I beat myself up. Every single day. I listen and bow to the thoughts that I'm not doing enough. No matter what I do it isn't good enough. No matter how hard I try, I fail. Everyday I listen and bow to these thoughts. Everyday I think about how things could be better. What can I do to make ME better? Then the hope disappears from clouded visions of being too far away from my chance at being rescued.

We all must take responsibility for our lives. The decision is ours. Every single day. We have choices to make. Why then does it seem so difficult to make the right ones sometimes. Why does it seem like no matter what you do you fail. No matter what direction you turn there is opposition to succeed. We all want things out of life. We all have dreams and desires. We all have special talents and gifts. It's easy to get swept away with the rythym of this world and accept things the way they are.

In my years of life, I have learned something time and time again. We control our life. We control which direction it takes. Sure, circumstances can be out of our reach, but it's how we react to them that makes us who we are. I know I reiterate all the time about choices and decisions, but really, thats the bottom line of our life. People who blame God or blame the devil for their life is a mistake. There is going to be a voice you follow. There is going to be a road you travel. There is going to be a thousand directions your life can take, but you choose. No one else can do it for you. Not even a higher power.

I am where I am right now because of the choices I have made. Maybe some people don't agree with my life and maybe some people would judge me in their hearts. But let me tell you something.. you don't know. You don't know what the person next to you has to deal with every day. You don't know what has happened to that person to cause them to make a decision they have made. You don't know a persons heart. Regardless of their actions, their heart might be crying out for something different. So don't judge someone else for where they are. Are you so much better? But we are all here to encourage one another. Don't confuse encouragement and judgement. I'm guilty of judging in the past. But I have to realize that I don't know the whole story about people sometimes. Even people who look fantastic and like they've got it all together, could be dying inside. So, my point is, you never know. Just something for us all to think about.

Just be encouraged. Make the right choices to go where you want to go. Even if you make a wrong decision, it's no mistake. It's something to learn from. But don't give up. Keep trying. Keep going

It is such a joy to know that you are on the path God has laid out for you. I can honestly say nothing feels better. There are times when things get tough. That's for sure. But when you keep your eye on the prize and grasp hold of your vision and never let go, there is a godly hope that can't be destroyed.

I have a friend who always asks another friend of mine, "what has God been teaching you?" She always gets frustrated with that question because it becomes repetitious, but if you think about it, it's a fantastic question to ask. If you don't have an answer, it's because you aren't listening. If we push out the noise of this world, and tune our ears to the voice of God, we will learn that He is waiting to teach us something everyday. The Holy Spirit is our teacher and He is waiting. He has nothing better to do than teach us. So how terrible that for most of our lives we never give Him the chance.

As I have been stating lately, God has been teaching me the realty of how much of God we can have. All my life, being raised in church, you tend to go with the motions at times. You do what you do because you know it's right. It's what you've been taught. Have you ever stood back, out of religion, and thought of this whole walk is merely a relationship? It's not a religion. Christianity is NOT a religion. It is a relationship. So how do you obtain a relationship with someone? You learn of them, spend time with them, until you know them so well you know what they are thinking, what they are feeling. How to please them, make them happy, and know their heart. That's Christianity. A relationship with the God-head. Our Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. There is no formula on how to spend time with Him either. Some might say, read the Bible for an hour a day, worship in private for 30 minutes, and prayer for an hour. Ok, that's great. At least you have a schedule, but that's a formula.

God is not a formula. And I am learning that more and more. He has said, and I have heard for many years but am just now coming to the "knowing", that you can have as much of God as you want. That means, anytime of the day, any amount of time, anywhere you are, God is there. You can have Him. Whatever you need and want. You can seek Him and learn of Him and get to know Him better and better and more and more. Every single day.There is no limit. The best part about it, is it's our choice. We choose. I like how my pastor puts it when he explains free will. He says God didn't make us like robots to say, "I love you." It would be like hearing His self on a recording saying "I love you" over and over. He takes pleasure in our own choice to worship Him.

He has made Himself available to us. We just have to go after Him. But when we go after Him, He comes after us just the same. When we seek Him, He rescues us. When we praise Him, He wraps us in His arms. When we ask Him questions, He reveals Himself. When we love Him, He pours mountains of love on us. There is no secret to our Father. None the less, He is satisfied with however much of Him we want. Because He just loves us. And wants us to choose. If we choose to marry Tom and He wants us to marry Bob, He will bless us with whatever He can. It wasn't His perfect will. But it comes back down to choosing. If we choose to go into the children's ministry but He called us to missions, He will bless what He can. Even if we give a cold cup of water in His name He will reward us.

So with all that said, it boils down to choice. Once again. It IS our life. We can choose. We have that freedom. But I think we can all say we want to choose right. We want to have the best life available. But in choice, there is sacrifice. Always. To follow God completley, we have to lay down our lives. If we follow our own desires, we are laying down God's. So either way, choice involves sacrifice. Think about it. What is your choice?