Monday, December 29, 2008

Forgive. Obey.

I am amazed. God never ever ceases to amaze me. He never lets me down. He never gives up on me. Even when I have dropped myself off on the side of the road miles back and called it quits. He is still pushing me along and believing in me. Your heart. It's where it all lies. When God calls you He never forgets. He never quits hoping you will succeed. You are the only one who can stop you. No person and no devil has the power to make you stop. I have heard that a hundred times but it only makes the most sense to me now. For so long I have been walking with my head held low and blaming myself over and over. Taking responsibilty yet not repenting and moving forward.

People would push me and tell me to keep going and not give up. Tell me the voices I hear are enemy whispers and not of mine own heart. I have always had a heart for good and right and justice. Yet I opened the door for wickedness when I accepted hatred. Harboring unforgiveness leads to devils to control and steal areas of your life. I felt hopeless and that my chance was lost. Anger in ways I have never experienced. Out of nowhere I would get such rage and anger. Every little thing would blow my top and I hated it. I was hurting the people I loved. I was sabatoging my life. It simply was falling apart. Everything I knew of my life and had expected up until now had failed. Everything God had promised me, when I would take action towards it, would crumble away into nothing but disappointment. After facing disappointing expectations all your life you tend to get tired. So you don't try anymore. At least that was me. I'm still fighting and struggling, but today I had insight...

I stopped trying. Bottom line. I saw my life that I knew, go on ahead without me and leaving me in the dust, I watched it speed by. People in my life, moved on. Things in my life, no longer existed. I thought I had messed everything up. But really, why? I hadn't done anything wrong to cause me to be cast into a sea of no return. I struggle to understand why my mind had turned against me and why my heart longed to be set free. I finally understood today that it's not me. It never was me. I was listening to lies and voices. They were so strong I believed they were my thoughts. I have been in direct disobedience to the Lord. He has been telling me something to do and I haven't. I am in constant torment and I even started resenting everyone who was succeeding. Friends. People I loved and were close with once, I resented. Why is it fair for them to be doing so great and I am drowning in my own worthlessness? So much hoplessness do I face daily, and it's only because I have chosen to continuously listen to the lies. Therefore it is spreading and affecting every other area of my life it can grasp.

We all face different things. Whatever level we are on, we fight. But we choose. And because of one disappointment I isolated myself completely from my life and the people and things in it where all I had left was my ugly self. I want free. Being bound inside yourself is very unsettling. But I am suffering from two things. Unforgiveness and disobedience. You can't live peacefully with either one, much less both! My pastor always says to forgive.. God loves them. Even when we don't and might have a good reason to strongly hate someone or hold a grudge, all we are doing is hurting ourselves. And I can honestly say first hand that I know it is the truth. And when you know God has told you something, and you on purpose do not do it, you will be miserable until you do. So save yourself time and heartache and take care of some loose ends. I know no one is perfect and that is why I am confidant I can freely share this information with you. It is my hopes that it will find you at a place to give you an extra push, just like it was revealed to me.